You Make Me Feel Like Dancing
by jstarrh
Summary: This is my submission for VJGM's crackfic contest for her story Trust in Advertising. It is crackfic so OOC is implied. There are many other entries so check out VJ's profile and go to her C2!


_I do not own the characters or even the story that I based this on that was based on characters that weren't owned by…..yeah you get the idea._

EPOV

_Find the mole, dump the bitch, get the girl, find the mole, dump the bitch, get the girl._

This was the mantra that had been running through my mind these past few weeks. In my head it was all planned out. I would find the bastard who had been selling us out. Once that person was properly taken care of I would kick Jane's skinny ass to the curb. This was the moment I was truly looking forward to. Every day she grated on my nerves more and more. How had I never noticed how whiny she was? It wasn't even like she was that good in bed to at least make up for it. She was more interested in watching herself during the act than actually participating in it. My apartment looked like it belonged in a carnival fun house thanks to the amount of mirrors she had spread throughout it.

Then there was the way she treated Bella. It made me want to snap her in half like a Claussen pickle. But I couldn't say anything or do anything to draw attention to the way I felt about her. It would only make things ten times worse for Bella. I tried to show her in small subtle ways that I cared about her. You know the things that girls notice…ignoring her in front of Jane so that she understood it was only temporary, letting her hold all the production boards herself because I understood that she was strong and independent, having her get me coffee every morning so that we can spend an extra few minutes together and the main one was trying to kiss Jane in front of her often so she could see for herself the lack of passion and emotion that was there. I could tell it was working because every time she looked at me I could see the fire burning in her eyes. It was the fire of lust and passion, the fire that would make the two of us spectacular together.

There was only one small kink in this plan; that damn kid Paul sniffing around her like a dog in heat. In the beginning we had laughed about him together. She told me about his affinity for mirrors and I felt like he was no threat, just someone to fill time until her and I could be together. But then something shifted along the way. She started getting flowers every other day and he would come and pick her up for lunch three times a week. I could always tell the days because she would get a smile on her face that started at 11 and stayed there the rest of the day.

I wanted to ask her about it, find out what she could possibly see in him so one day I cornered her in my office. The door was closed and we had complete privacy.

"What in the hell do you think you are doing?" I had had a speech planned and yet those were the first words that came out of my mouth. That fire was still there in her eyes though so maybe she liked it when I was forceful with her. I couldn't wait until we could be together, going at it like cats in heat, it would be beyond my wildest dreams. Oh and I did dream of her, dreamt of her lips kissing mine again, wrapping my arms around her, loving her. A stapler to the side of my head brought me out of my reminiscing.

"What in the hell am I doing?" Her voice was low but there was no mistaking the malice in it. "You have the nerve to ask me what I am doing when you treat me like I am no better than an errand girl sent here to do your bidding and watch you make out with that vile creature. What's it like having sex with an ice cube Edward?" With that she walked out of the room slamming the door behind her. I heard Paul when he came to pick her up and I stayed in my office listening to her giggle.

The next few weeks were strained. We worked together, accomplished our jobs brilliantly and went our separate ways. I pushed for Jane to get me an answer as soon as possible but I think she knew what the implications were for her if she did this so she took her sweet time. I was in rare form around the office, everyone either dropped to the floor or ran the other way when they saw me coming. Bella was the only one left who would work with me and even that wasn't as much fun as it used to be.

One day I walked out of my office to find her on the phone. It was easy to tell that it was a personal call and for some reason that angered me. She was at work, who cared that it was 8:00 at night, it was unprofessional.

She saw me and told that mutt she was speaking to that she had to go.

"No you hang up," she giggled into the phone.

"No you hang up," she repeated and I felt my face turn red with anger.

"Okay, on the count of three. One….two…three," she giggled into the phone. "Well you didn't hang up either. Okay this time we have to do it. One…two...th..." She didn't even get to finish the last word before I ripped the phone from her hand pressed end and threw it across the room. Without a word I went back into my office, slamming the door behind me.

I counted in my head, wondering how long it would take her to come into my office and confront me. When I got to 100 I realized that she wasn't coming. I walked out of my office to find her area empty and dark. On top of her desk was a neat pile, her laptop, her work badge and on top was her cell phone. A yellow post it was stuck on it with two words written out _I Quit. _I couldn't slam the door hard enough when I went back into my office.

_3 Months Later_

Mole found…check!

Bitch dumped….check!

I won't bore you with the details because that isn't the point here. All you need to know is that Bimbo Barbie is no longer parking her dream car next to mine in the parking lot. She was gone, mole was gone and now I was off to get my girl. I had kept tabs on her through Emmett. She was still dating the missing link but that was all about to change. It was go big or go home time and I was ready to go big.

I had my bouquet of flowers in one hand, stuffed bear in the other and I made my way down the hall to her office. She was working for some small firm downtown and I walked into her cramped office while she was on the phone. She looked up and saw me and all the color drained from her face. The fire was still in her eyes so I didn't think I was too late.

She didn't even miss a word of her conversation as she ripped the flowers out of my hand and threw them in the trash. Next she ripped the bear from my hands and pulled out her desk drawer. Her hand found a massive pair of shears and she proceeded to decapitate poor little rainy day bear and hand me the head that had stuffing dripping out of it.

I waited in stunned silence the severed head of a bear in my hand. She hung up the phone and just looked at me, waiting for me to say something.

"Um, I broke up with Jane," she leaned over to her side and grabbed the flowers out of the trash.

"Then you deserve these. Congratulations," she handed me the bouquet and said nothing else.

"I thought we could pick up where we left off," I smiled at her. I had been told once or twice that my smile was dazzling and I wasn't going to hesitate to pull out all the stops.

"Where exactly was that Edward? You kiss me and then proceed to tell me it meant nothing and then flaunt that bitch in front of me. But then wait you decide it did mean something to you and yet that thing still sticks around."

"It was all necessary to find the mole Bella. Every step of the way I wanted you, it's always been you," I moved around the desk and gathered her in my arms. My lips closed in on hers but her hand stopped me before I could get any closer.

"You want me? You really want me?" I nodded while trying to maneuver my way around her hand. "Then you are going to have to prove it!" She pushed my head away from her. "In case you hadn't noticed I have a boyfriend who adores me," she rolled her eyes. Even she couldn't convince herself that he loved her more than he loved his mirror. She was wearing her shiniest patent leather shoes which meant that she was going out with him later. He liked to be able to see himself in all available surfaces.

"I'll do anything to prove it," I got around her hand and managed to kiss the side of her nose.

"Anything?" if I had been paying proper attention to her eyes I would have noticed the evil gleam sooner.

"Yes anything," I said as I got her eyebrow this time around.

She pushed me away from her and looked me in the eyes. "Then you are going to have to dance for me!"

"What?" Well if that was what she wanted. I swayed my hips from side to side while snapping my fingers to the music in my head. Michael Bolton got me moving every time.

"Oh no Cullen, that would be too easy don't you think," she was shaking her head from side to side. "I can't decide between you and Paul so I'm going to be holding a dance off. Best dancer wins," she spun around in a little circle, "me!"

I spent the next few weeks in an abandoned warehouse practicing. Emse and Alice were my strongest supporters. Every night they met me there, coaching me, teaching me, yelling at me.

"Dammit Edward act like you want this," Esme threw her head back in frustration. "I know you can do better than this. Please don't tell me that I paid for all those years of dance lessons for nothing!"

"Mom, those were for football," I looked over at Alice and hoped that she hadn't heard that part of the conversation.

"Tell yourself whatever you need to in order to feel better but you still can't convince me that tap dancing contributed to football in any way. Now dance like you mean it." She started the music back up and I began my routine yet again. I was eating and sleeping this, it was the most important presentation of my life.

A few hours later as I was sitting down taking off my tap shoes Alice approached me.

"Have you thought about a costume Edward?"

"Costume? I was just going to wear jeans and a t-shirt," I didn't even want to know what she had in mind.

"Jeans and a t-shirt? Are you trying to win or just forfeit? You have to give 110% Edward. Don't worry, I will handle this," she patted me on top of the head and left the room already sketching on a scrap of paper that she had found in her purse.

"You can do this Edward. You two are meant to be together," Esme hugged me before making her way out of the room.

"Thanks mom," I called after her. I stood up and walked across the room to the mirrored wall.

_You can do this_ I told mirror Edward.

_You belong together _

_You can do this_

_You belong together_

_You can do this_

_You belong together_

_You're Edward Cullen!_

With a wink at mirrored Edward I grabbed my bag and headed to my car. It didn't matter that my toes were bleeding or that it hurt to walk, I was going to win this damn thing if it was the last thing I did. She belonged with me; she just didn't know it yet.

_Three Weeks Later_

Here I was standing backstage waiting for my turn. When Mike Newton heard about what was going on there was no way to stop him from weaseling his way into the arrangement. We drew numbers and Mike was first, Paul was second and I was the closing act. I had already stretched and done my warm up so all I was waiting for was my turn to shine. This was the most nerve wracking moment of my life. I pulled the curtain back and watched as the lights went out on the stage. I could see Mike moving out into the middle of the stage. He was carrying something with him that I couldn't quite make out.

The lights went on and in the spotlight at the center of the stage there stood Mike Newton decked out in a tuxedo and in his arms…it couldn't be could it? No, it was exactly what it looked like. In his arms he held a blow up doll that looked remarkably like Bella, well almost like Bella. She normally didn't walk around with her lips puckered into the shape of an 'o'. I was pretty sure that I didn't want to know why this Bella's mouth was like that.

He stood there, back erect one hand raised in the air with inflatable Bella's hand grasped in his own and his other hand wrapped around her back. She was dressed in a pink sequin outfit that was cut out across her stomach, and cut low across her breasts. The bottom of her dress was cut up high in the front, barely falling below her crotch but flaring out in the back in a mass of ruffled tulle. It had been so long since I had touched anyone that I found myself getting turned on by a blow up Bella. I tried to focus on something else because what I was wearing left nothing to the imagination.

The music started and Mike made his way around the stage with his Bella. By the look on real Bella's face I could tell that that was the closest he was ever going to get to her or her likeness. It was clear as he dipped her that he had done this a time or two. The song pounded through the sound systems. I never took Mike for a Britney Spears fan but as _I'm a Slave 4 U_ filled the auditorium it was obvious that he was into it. It was hard to not watch him, even I could admit that his movements were fluid, he spun her around and their feet were velcroed together at the ankles so that they moved in sync.

After another intricate spin and dip he lifted Bella up in the air, you could hear the Velcro ripping, and spun her around before sliding her back down the length of his body. A button or belt buckle must have gotten caught on her though because suddenly a loud pop could be heard and Bella was air born. She flew around the room making a high pitched whining sound before falling to the ground somewhere in the audience.

Everyone was shocked into silence as we waited for Mike's next move. He stood there looking stunned as the music continued to play and after a moment of confusion he took off his tuxedo jacket and swung it up in the air above his head. Everyone looked at him in amusement as he took off running around the stage jumping and spinning sporadically. He stopped suddenly and put one hand on his head while he used the other to pivot around in a frantic rendition of the sprinkler.

Sweat was pouring down his face and with each rotation of his arm sweat went flying off him into the crowd adding to the authenticity of the sprinkler dance. As the song was coming to a close he stopped mid-sprinkle and began to shopping cart his way off stage. As he grabbed imaginary items off the shelves he made his way off the stage to the cheers of the crowd. Somehow he had managed to pull it off. Blow up Bella popping was the best thing that could have happened to Mike.

I looked over at the judge's table to gauge their reaction. Bella, Leah, and Rosalie were all laughing and clapping as the lights on stage went out again. That was going to be a hard act to follow and I was happy that I was going last.

The crowd died down and Paul's turn was announced. I had half expected to see mirrors lined up and have him watch himself the entire time. As the music started I knew that I wasn't too far off. There might not have been mirrors but the sentiment was the same.

_I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love_

_Love's going to leave me_

And then he began to vogue and I began to laugh. His hands were flying into different shapes...square, triangle, diamond, trapezoid, I didn't even know that was possible. I couldn't help but check out Bella's face as I tried in vain to compose myself. She looked completely and utterly horrified by what he was doing. His outfit only added to the amusement. He was wearing skintight leather pants and a white wifebeater that left nothing to the imagination. Before the next line even started I could see where this was going to go.

_I'm too sexy for my shirt_

_So sexy it hurts_

Sure enough right on cue he ripped his shirt off and then rubbed his hands along his muscled chest with a look of acute pain on his face. It was so bad that I couldn't look away. I just wanted to see what he would do next. The crowd was silent save for one or two girls who had started screaming when he had ripped off his shirt. I could see them holding out dollar bills at the edge of the stage.

As the song continued he didn't do much more than writhe on stage while rubbing himself down. It was mildly disturbing. Although I was beginning to think that he had missed his true calling in life, somewhere out there Thunder Down Under was missing a dancer.

_I'm a model you know what I mean_

_And I do my little turn on the catwalk_

He started strutting around the stage as if he were actually on a catwalk. When he reached the back of the stage he stopped looked over his back and blew a kiss to Bella before smacking his own ass. He then spun on his heel and strutted back to the front of the stage.

_Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah_

_I do my little turn on the catwalk_

It was becoming painful to watch this display so I decided to focus on my own performance. I went back into the dark recesses of the backstage area. I passed Mike who was berating himself in a corner.

_Should have practiced with clothes on! Now I've broken her and will have to wait for a replacement._

I couldn't help the shudder that passed through my body. That man had some serious issues that much was clear. I was finally beginning to believe that my chances might be pretty good after all. I ran in place quickly to warm up again and made sure that all parts of my costume were in place. I put on my tap shoes and put on booties over them to disguise the sound that they made.

The music was ending for Paul's routine and I made my way back to the stage in time to see him bent over backwards while placing all his weight on one hand. He was using the other hand to rub oil across his chest. As the music ended he held his position and made his hand into a fist and pumped it in the air continuously. There was a smattering of applause and he bowed before he got off the stage smiling.

"Why even bother Cullen," he said as he passed me. "No one can pass this up," he held his hands up in the air and gyrated his hips. I swallowed back the bile that was rising up in my throat and concentrated on the task at hand.

The stage was dark again and I made my way to the center of the stage. I quickly removed my booties and stuffed them into the pocket of my jumpsuit that I was wearing. I knew that if I could pull this off I would have it in the bag. I was using the same routine that I had used in my 1994 recital _Tapping to the Stars._ I had brought down the house that day and I was confident that I could do it again.

My back was to the crowd as the intro of the song started. The crowd started howling as soon it started automatically recognizing what song it was.

_At first I was afraid, I was petrified._

I held my arms up in fear like I had learned in drama camp. Yes I went to drama camp too. Would you like to make something of it? Emmett went to fat camp in 6th grade but you didn't hear anyone laughing once all that baby fat turned to muscle now did you?

_Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side_

Tappa, tappa, tappa, I repeated in my head just like my first teacher used to do. Light tapping…grapevines, ball and chain until the music picked up. Then the words I had been waiting for came and it was time for the big reveal.

_I grew strong_

_I learned how to carry on_

_And now you're back…._

With these words I ripped my jumpsuit off and threw it into the crowd, thanks to the tear away sides that Alice had installed. Underneath I wore gold sequined hot pants and a black sequined vest. If four years of tap had taught me anything it was that when the spotlight was on you it was important to sparkle.

I got into my routine, my feet were flying. The sounds of my tap shoes resonated through the auditorium as I picked up the pace of my routine. I was closing in on my big finale, I could hear the crowd cheering, the light was shining in my eyes and sweat was pouring down my face. It was going to take all my concentration to pull this off….low cut, pump, low cut, crab walk, shuffle, shuffle, crab walk and for the big finale the hornpipe. I could feel the sweat running down my back to the top of my sequined shorts, chaffing the delicate skin at my lower back.

I threw my hands in the air and basked in the applause. My chest was heaving with exertion but I felt wonderful. I opened my eyes to glance over at Bella. She was standing up at the judging table applauding. I had done it, I had pulled it off. I felt on top of the world. Although I was confident that I had it in the bag a little extra insurance never hurt anyone. I caught my family's eye and winked at them before I finished the last part of my routine. Unbeknownst to him Paul had helped make this last part a little more believable thanks to his performance. I could see a little drop of oil shimmering on the stage. One last deep breath and I went to shuffle my way off stage. When I got to the oil I slowed down and did my best bit of acting since I played Mrs. Haversham in my 9th grade production of Great Expectations. I gritted my teeth and threw my leg out in front of me and before I knew it I was flat on my back. Now all I had to do was wait for her to come to me. I had been waiting my whole life for her and now I was going to get her.

BPOV

With a puff of sequins he was down. The crash of his body landing on the floor echoed throughout the entire auditorium.

I rushed to the stage and bent to examine his limp body. I slapped his face lightly.

"Edward…Edward…" I got no reaction and so I kept trying.

It wasn't long before Rosalie, Alice, Esme and Emmett were surrounding him too.

"Someone call 911," I was getting worried about his lack of response. I got to see his chest rising and falling slowly so I had faith that he was okay.

"Edward….Edward…"we all kept yelling at him and after what seemed like hours (where were those damn paramedics) he began to struggle to open his eyes.

"Bella…" he smiled when his eyes met mine.

"Oh Edward," I wanted to hug him but I was afraid of hurting him. "Are you feeling okay?"

_I've got chills, they're multiplying _

Chills? I looked at his body but he appeared to be okay. I grabbed my jacket and covered him up just in case.

"Just stay still Edward. The paramedics are on their way."

_And I'm losing control_

"Losing control of what Edward? Keep talking to me Edward, please keep talking to me." It hadn't looked like he had even fallen that hard. I didn't know what to do. Plus, why in the world was he singing?

"_Cause the power you're supplying, it's electrifying…"_ his body shook a little. "_Electrifying…"_

What in the world was going on here? I ran my fingers along his head lightly checking for bumps because obviously something was seriously wrong here.

"_I better shape up, cause you need a man." _I was concerned about him but how dare he imply that I needed a man. Was there some kind of odd brain condition that caused you to just sing slightly annoying songs? If he kept this song up I would be giving the paramedics something to take care of.

Just then Emmett decided to chime in. _And her heart is set on you. _Someone better let the paramedics know to prepare for two bodiesbecause I was going to deal with him next.

_I better shape up, I better understand. To my heart I must be true._

Suddenly he leaped up from the ground and spun around in a circle in front of me. Grabbing my hand he began to sing in earnest to me.

_You're the one that I want _

Emmett popped up from behind Edward. Impressive, I don't know how I missed him hiding back there.

_You are the one that he wants_

Emmett placed his hands on Edward's hips and they moved their upper bodies back and forth, leaning their heads from right to left so that they looked into each other's eyes. They switched sides continuously as they sung together.

_Ooh ooh ooh honey_

_The one that I want_

_You are the one I want_

_Ooh ooh honey_

_The one I need_

_Oh yes indeed_

Okay, when we were in high school I used to love going to school plays and watching him perform, pretending that it was me up in that window but this was somewhat disturbing. Esme and Alice had gotten their tap shoes on at some point and were shuffling along behind the two of them in unison. Had this been planned all along? Some kind of crazy scheme to get my attention after he pretended to fall?

_If you're filled with affection_

_You're too shy to convey_

_Meditate my direction, feel your way_

I looked away when Emmett started moving his hands up from Edward's hips. I squeezed my eyes shut hoping that this was almost over.

_I better shape up_

_Cause you need a man_

But no, much to my dismay the Cullen family showcase was still going strong. I opened my eyes because it was like an accident, I just couldn't look away for too long.

_She needs a man_

_Who can keep her satisfied_

I'm not even going to tell you what was implied by that next dance move of Emmett's.

_I better shape up, if I'm going to prove_

_You better prove, that my faith is justified_

They moved so that they were closer to each other, I didn't even know that that was possible.

_Are you sure_

_Yes, I'm sure deep down inside_

Now everyone on stage but me joined in on the chorus. I was going to have a serious talk with Rosalie when we got home today. They spun, shuffled, and ball chained their hearts out. As the last word came out of their mouths they all fell to their knees and stuck out their best jazz hands.

The only sound that could be heard was their heavy breathing from the stage as they all sat there staring at me, waiting for my reaction. How had I never noticed that he was a complete and utter freak? When he was supposed to be working he was apparently off learning song and dance routines with the rest of his friends. He thought it was okay to fake an injury in order to get my attention and to top everything off he wore sequined hot pants. I looked around from face to face, all of them still sitting there waving their jazz hands frantically and made my decision.

"Screw this, I'm getting a cat." With one last look at everyone I waved goodbye and made my way to the pound.

_Hope you enjoyed. Now go and read VJGM's story on Twilighted if you haven't yet! Easy to find, look for the one with about a million reviews!_

_Jaime_

_Tappa…tappa…tappa_


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